Grrrrrrr. I say this under my breath at least ten times a day. Sometimes I don't understand how my brain can cause my entire body to freak out. "Anxiety" they say... "Lets start you on blah, blah, blah...." and this is where I stop listening to my doctors. I have been living with Panic disorder off and on for about six years now. I still can't believe this is something I actually have. It seems surreal. Like its not really my life. I didn't have a great childhood, but I never let it get me down. I never had supportive parents or an inheritance, sometimes not even a safe place to live. All I had was me. So yes, I guess in that circumstance it would be expected that I would have some pent up anxiety. The crazy thing is that I never experienced a drop of anxiety or panic until I was 25. Or lets say this- until my body was introduced to PROGESTERONE. Coincidence? My doctors seem to think so. I never really thought birth control would be something that could make you so crazy. But of course instead of taking me off the BC I was given lexipro and xanax. I was told I had postpartum depression and that I needed to see a therapist. Thinking back, I wish I had listened to myself instead of anyone else. Even if they were a licensed physician!
My anxiety started in the middle of the night. I was six months pregnant and hating every bit of it. I awoke like someone had splashed cold water on my face and I was drenched in sweat. My heart was pounding and the room was spinning and closing in on me. I couldn't focus. What was happening? I had this horrible fear that I was going to die. I was shaking like it was freezing. My teeth were chattering but it was HOT! I couldn't breathe. I was going to suffocate! I was alone in the house. OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!!!! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE ALONE! I ran to the bathroom as my stomach started to churn. I couldn't calm myself down. My skin was clammy and I felt I was burning from the inside. I finally made it to the shower where I sat fully clothed in the bottom of the tub with the cool water running down on me.
That was one of the scariest experiences of my life. God forbid you talk about it with anyone. I needed answers and everyone I talked to looked at me as if I were diseased. "Are you sure you didn't just have a bad dream?" my husband asked. "Maybe your just stressed with the baby." my best friend replied. NO. This was different. At my next OB visit I spoke with my doctor and she confirmed that it was probably just anxiety. She did offer to run some test. Not even a day later I received a phone call stating that I had preeclampsia and it was pretty severe. My doc assured me that I would feel much better if I stayed on bed rest until my delivery. She promised that my symptoms would disappear almost immediately after I had the baby. Six weeks after I delivered I was feeling a little better. I hadn't had a panic attack in a while. My doc asked me about birth control and we decided to go with the depo shot. OMFG..... Almost immediately I felt like something was wrong. I saw three doctors and two psychologist before anyone would listen. Finally I was getting answers! I was diagnosed with Postpartum Hyperthyroiditis. PSHHH, wtf is this? Really? Whats a thyroid? I started researching thyroid symptoms and hormones. I wanted to know everything I could about how it affects my body. Every symptom that I was having was caused by my thyroid! It was a breath of fresh air to know that I wasn't crazy! My endocrinologist put on some meds until my hormones returned to normal and we also stopped the birth control. I could live again! I was my silly, dorky, quirky self!! I finished school, found a career and got through a messy divorce. All without one single ounce of anxiety.
Three years later it started again. This time I was 7 months pregnant. I was living in a new state and was seeing a new doctor whom I thought I liked a lot. I explained everything to him and he seemed to listen. But just like before after delivery nothing seemed to go away. I begged for him to check my thyroid and instead he had me take a test for depression. "DAMN IT, I KNOW MY BODY!!!" I thought to myself, But I went along anyway. He had me see a therapist and started me on Mirena. He said that the hormones shouldn't bother me. (shouldn't NOT wouldn't) The awesome thing is- I worked at a doctors office so I checked my thyroid and guess what? It was off the charts and crazy high. My body had almost FIVE times the amount of hormones it was suppose to have. A year and a half later my thyroid is great! My anxiety level... thats another story. I have two to three panic attacks a day. I am in a constant state of anxiety. I've lost so much weight I look sick. I'm 5'1 and I weigh 97 pounds. I'm a nervous wreck and I am soooooooo irritable. My first option? Get this stupid Mirena out. The more research I do, the more horror stories I find. I would love to know other people's experiences with this thing. And omg, WHAT is this mirena crash I'm hearing about? Not looking forward to that! I just want to feel like me again. I wanna be something besides crazy.
My anxiety started in the middle of the night. I was six months pregnant and hating every bit of it. I awoke like someone had splashed cold water on my face and I was drenched in sweat. My heart was pounding and the room was spinning and closing in on me. I couldn't focus. What was happening? I had this horrible fear that I was going to die. I was shaking like it was freezing. My teeth were chattering but it was HOT! I couldn't breathe. I was going to suffocate! I was alone in the house. OH GOD PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE!!!! PLEASE DON'T LET ME DIE ALONE! I ran to the bathroom as my stomach started to churn. I couldn't calm myself down. My skin was clammy and I felt I was burning from the inside. I finally made it to the shower where I sat fully clothed in the bottom of the tub with the cool water running down on me.
That was one of the scariest experiences of my life. God forbid you talk about it with anyone. I needed answers and everyone I talked to looked at me as if I were diseased. "Are you sure you didn't just have a bad dream?" my husband asked. "Maybe your just stressed with the baby." my best friend replied. NO. This was different. At my next OB visit I spoke with my doctor and she confirmed that it was probably just anxiety. She did offer to run some test. Not even a day later I received a phone call stating that I had preeclampsia and it was pretty severe. My doc assured me that I would feel much better if I stayed on bed rest until my delivery. She promised that my symptoms would disappear almost immediately after I had the baby. Six weeks after I delivered I was feeling a little better. I hadn't had a panic attack in a while. My doc asked me about birth control and we decided to go with the depo shot. OMFG..... Almost immediately I felt like something was wrong. I saw three doctors and two psychologist before anyone would listen. Finally I was getting answers! I was diagnosed with Postpartum Hyperthyroiditis. PSHHH, wtf is this? Really? Whats a thyroid? I started researching thyroid symptoms and hormones. I wanted to know everything I could about how it affects my body. Every symptom that I was having was caused by my thyroid! It was a breath of fresh air to know that I wasn't crazy! My endocrinologist put on some meds until my hormones returned to normal and we also stopped the birth control. I could live again! I was my silly, dorky, quirky self!! I finished school, found a career and got through a messy divorce. All without one single ounce of anxiety.
Three years later it started again. This time I was 7 months pregnant. I was living in a new state and was seeing a new doctor whom I thought I liked a lot. I explained everything to him and he seemed to listen. But just like before after delivery nothing seemed to go away. I begged for him to check my thyroid and instead he had me take a test for depression. "DAMN IT, I KNOW MY BODY!!!" I thought to myself, But I went along anyway. He had me see a therapist and started me on Mirena. He said that the hormones shouldn't bother me. (shouldn't NOT wouldn't) The awesome thing is- I worked at a doctors office so I checked my thyroid and guess what? It was off the charts and crazy high. My body had almost FIVE times the amount of hormones it was suppose to have. A year and a half later my thyroid is great! My anxiety level... thats another story. I have two to three panic attacks a day. I am in a constant state of anxiety. I've lost so much weight I look sick. I'm 5'1 and I weigh 97 pounds. I'm a nervous wreck and I am soooooooo irritable. My first option? Get this stupid Mirena out. The more research I do, the more horror stories I find. I would love to know other people's experiences with this thing. And omg, WHAT is this mirena crash I'm hearing about? Not looking forward to that! I just want to feel like me again. I wanna be something besides crazy.